Put That In Your Pipe…

Hello, gentle readers! I’m back to recap what other people thought of the Texas vs. New Mexico game last Saturday. First, woot woot! 45-0! Take that, non-believers. Texas delivered a true pounding to the Lobos, Longhorn style. That’s different from, but similar to, Gangnam Style. “Longhorn style” has more actual sports and fewer elevator rides and hot pants. We’ll get to the game in a minute, but first, me!

You will recall I was unable to watch the game because the jerks people at the Longhorn Network are having a hard time understanding THERE ARE LIVE HUMANS OUTSIDE OF TEXAS WHO LIKE LONGHORN SPORTING EVENTS. I checked, and there are Texas Exes as far away as Europe, which is actually another continent entirely, go look it up if you don’t believe me. People who love UT and all its traditions and splendor and want to see games live on the teevee as they occur. And not have to read stale statistics and stuff to figure out who crushed whom. Some poor dufus on the Comcast Customers Forum asked when LHN would come to Comcast. Oh, ignorance is bliss! The “Moderator” (that’s Latin for “Dreamcrusher”) replied that, “In fact only a few smaller video providers in Texas currently offer this channel as an option, likely due to its reported high cost and narrow focus. These are additional costs that would likely be passed along to customers.” Somehow, they fail to understand that I am waiting for someone to take my money. Your move, Comcast. If anyone out there is privy to other info, for the love of all that’s holy, tell me! I’ll give you my home number.

So, Saturday I was careening around the lake and not killing people while Texas delivered a great big ol’ goose egg to New Mexico. The bad news is that I didn’t get to see the game. The good news is I didn’t crash the boat, I passed my written test, and I received my basic keelboat certification! Look out next season. I’ll be the one screaming through a tacking maneuver. Avoid me, seriously.

And a quick shout-out to the City of Eugene Parks and Recreation Department. We might not have Leslie Knope, but there are some terrific and socialist-flavored outdoor recreation opportunities like the one I just enjoyed. They have many kinds of boating, whitewater rafting, rock climbing, and skiing in the winter. Being serious for only a moment, I do appreciate the patience and calm guidance of our instructor, Lyle. I hope therapy isn’t too expensive and you can go on the water again soon. Sorry.

OK! On to what other people thought of this absolute thrashing!

How about that score? New Mexico didn’t earn a single blasted point. Remember when everyone was all like, no way will Texas beat a 37.5-point spread! Blah, blah, whine, whine. Haters to the left, because guess what—they did!

But wait, you say, gentle writer. What the cuss is a point spread and why should we care? Thanks for asking! The point spread is just another way to gamble on a game; So people with addictive personalities have many, many avenues to wager away the family’s grocery money. Just kidding—who doesn’t like a good turn at the nickel slot machines? You can bet that either the winner or loser will beat the spread. If you bet on the underdog, who loses, you want the loser’s score plus the spread to beat the winner’s score. If you bet on the favorite and the favorite wins, you want the winning score minus the spread to be greater than the loser’s score. In our game, the spread was 37.5 points! So New Mexico would have to score a whole heap of points to beat the spread. There’s a lot of math involved, and now I need the smelling salts. Don’t even get me started on the “over/under,” because my vapors will return, and I’m out of leeches.

Moving on! David Ash. Oh, that Ash. He continues to improve and is emerging as the team leader for reals. I have to admit to a touch of sadness over this, because this Longhorn fan hoped to hear once again, “McCoy to Shipley! Touchdown!” We have many games to go, so a girl can keep dreaming. For now, Ash is in, and doing a solid job. He made 16 completions out of 22 attempts, for 221 yards. Not too shabby! He even made TWO TOUCHDOWN THROWS! And showed off his legs by scampering for a 49-yard TD himself. He’s a sophomore, folks. He’s still getting that whole team leader thing down, learning plays and players…but he’s impressive so far. Still needs to work on that deep ball. The QB needs to throw a good long bomb down the field now and again to keep things honest at the line of scrimmage.

The running game! It never went away, and the running backs put on a show. Not quite as big a show as against Wyoming, because this week there was a passing game! Hooray. The ground game got 31 total carries for 146 yards and three TDs. Not to be outshone by actual receivers, the running backs also racked up 126 receiving yards on eight catches. Joe Bergeron had 11 carries for 49 yards. My spirit animal, Johnathan Gray, couldn’t wait for my eyeballs any longer. He had seven carries for 30 yards. My handkerchief is soaked with my bitter tears. Another standout freshman, Daje Johnson, also impressed. Look for good things from these two.

The big news about the receiving corps is not the numbers they put up, but their playing ability. Receivers were throwing some good downfield blocks. Maintaining blocks helped the ball-carrier get downfield. Just evidence of the machine running smoothly and pieces falling into place. Apparently Jaxon Shipley got to handle the ball a bit, and that makes me all woozy and nostalgic and strains my feeling-bones. And let’s not forget Mike Davis and his 22-yard touchdown! I can’t forget it because I didn’t see it in the first place. (Bitterness, tears, etc.)

The offensive and defensive lines continue to turn in solid performances, with the defense really impressing people. Well, people who have seen them play. Although the Lobos managed 206 yards against the Texas D, the most important stat is the number of points they scored—ZERO. Let’s take this win and keep it rolling!

Next up, the Ole Miss Rebels. Last year they went 2-10, and were 0-8 in the SEC. They did barely lose to Arkansas, so. And they’re an SEC team, and Texas is on the road. Ole Miss is 2-0 this season. They’re coming off a 28-10 win over the UTEP Miners. Remember them? The team who embarrassed OU? I do, and I’m not taking this game lightly.

More predictions to come. Until we meet again…Hook ‘em!

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