Same Result, Different Year: Here Come the Swooners

Oh hello, fellow suffering ‘Horns fans! Are you surviving? Have you cleaned out the local pharmacies and liquor stores? I certainly haven’t. As far as you know. Our beloved ‘Horns have been mismanaged into a 3-2 record, 2-0 in the Big 12 (won’t last long). Sports pundits all over are scratching their heads, or toupees, in wonderment at just how awful things are in Longhorn Land. Erratic coaching, erratic play, weird calls, flagrant fouls. The whole thing seems out of whack. Broken record here: Burn it to the ground and start over.

So this weekend the ineffectual Texas team heads to Dallas to be handed their hind quarters yet again by a slavering, leering pack of Swooners. Gentle reader, I have no illusions about this game. The scales were burned from my eyes while I watched that pilonidal cyst of a game against ISU last week. How any of those coaches is still employed is beyond me. Alas, they are, and we continue to drag our sorry carcasses from one game to the next.

I encourage you to record, on whatever device you have, the word “belldozer,” and play it eight hours every day, leading up to the game. Oh! I’m assuming you’ll be watching! That’s presumptuous of me! For those of you planning to watch, I should say, get desensitized to the name of ou’s QB. Because you’ll hear it about 173,000 times on Saturday. His given name is Blake Bell (sounds like he should be in deck shoes on a sailboat sipping a gimlet), but the sports commentariat christened him with “belldozer” as his nom de guerre. Look upon him and despair.

The last prediction I saw placed ou as a 12.5-point favorite. Really? Is that all you’ve got? I assume it will be 14-0 before Q1 is half gone. David Ash is out for the foreseeable future. No snark here; he definitely has to put his own brain first. But to the coaches: yeah, great idea to not play Tyrone Swoopes for a single snap in the ISU game! Case McCoy and his noodle-arm-dying-bird passes will start the game. Will my spirit animal get any carries? Will McCoy just throw wobbly pass after wobbly pass? At what point will the Texas fans in attendance shout down the stadium until Swoopes is put in? I hope it’s before opening kickoff.

This feels like that game, Mystery Date, where players opened the door to see who their date is: Formal dance? Bowling? Skiing? Nope, we keep getting the Dud, no matter how many times we roll the dice.

MysteryDateGameboard

It hurts my heart to talk about predictions and statistics for this Red River Blowout Shootout. You can find them anywhere the Longhorns are being mocked by sports media. Expect to see lots and lots of crimson in the stands, and very little burnt orange. The University is having a hard time selling tickets. I predict they would also have a hard time giving them away. Why, back in my day (mid-1980s, I’m An Old), making the trek to Dallas was a rite of passage for students. Decorate the car, convoy up the highway. Park someplace where your windows wouldn’t get smashed. Stay for the whole game and scream for blood until your voice gave out. The games were actual contests then, not these predetermined garbage-fests of late. Until we have a new coaching regime, we are in for more of the same. Losing games, losing face, losing recruits.

With all the twists and turns, this season now has all the makings of a great crime drama. I intend to treat it as such. Using fiction will help me deal with the abject disappointment I feel about the direction of the team. Let’s meet our cast:

  • Coach Brown: Obviously, the bad guy. Seems like your friend, but he’s really borrowing all your power tools without permission and keeping them. He’s calling the city to report that your grass is too tall after waving goodbye when you leave for work in the morning. He tells you how he’s going to finish building that shed in his backyard SOON. Always SOON, for the last four years. Claps a lot, trying to encourage the flowers in his yard to bloom, but forgets to water them.
  • Major Applewhite: Well-meaning doofus sidekick. Seems to have no real purpose or direction. Lives in his parents’ basement and listens to Van Halen’s entire album catalog every Sunday (pre-Hagar, of course). He has a job that he’s not very good at, but everyone likes him down at the store, even though he keeps stocking the frozen goods in the feminine hygiene aisle.
  • Greg Robinson: Took over as manager of the local sewage treatment plant after the first manager drowned. Don’t ask. He hasn’t had a performance review, and sometimes shows up drunk for work.
  • DeLoss Dodds: Mysterious chief of police. Not seen in public for months. Tasked with finding the killer and bringing him to justice, but won’t look at the evidence.
  • The Texas Football Team: Victims.
  • The Texas Fan Base: Confused bystanders.

I think I can sell this to a network.

So, expect a fourth blowout this weekend. If Texas manages to pull out a win, I will post a blog with nothing but glitter unicorns and rainbows. You heard it here first.

Let’s hold hands and sing “The Eyes of Texas” and remember how things used to be, long long ago, in a galaxy far far away.

And no matter what, ou still sucks! Hook ‘em!

Follow me on Twitter: @TXgridirongirl

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