Good evening, ‘Horns fans! I’m coming to you from the frozen tundra of the Pacific Northwest. We still have snow on the ground and temperatures in the single digits. The snow days are helping to quell this unease in my heart, fellow Texas fans. You see, the NCAA powers that be got together with the Illuminati and a bunch of money and pushed names around on a board, like you see in an old war movie. They decided bowl matchups based on…oh heck, I don’t know what they base these things on. Money? Tea leaves? Chicken bones? Runes? Money is a safe bet. However it happened, here’s what we’re faced with on December 30:
At first I was all, “Yay! Texas got the Alamo Bowl! Still respectable and a good way to end this roller-coaster season.” But then I was all, “Holy moly, what the heck? MY #1 AND #2 TEAMS SHOULD NOT HAVE TO PLAY EACH OTHER. EVAR.” Look, I’ve enjoyed the luxury of rooting for Texas and Oregon separately this year. Make no mistake, Texas is my team. I’m an alumna, I grew up in Austin, and I have burnt orange hair. What’s that you say? With some grey streaks? Let’s call them white, shall we? Then I’m in full-fledged support mode.
Now, I live in Eugene. This is my adopted home. And I’ve grown to love the Ducks as well. I attend games. I recognize players’ names. I follow the season. This bowl selection is particularly difficult for me.
Let’s talk about yesterday. Saturday’s games were an exciting mix, weren’t they? We had Texas losing to Baylor, 30-10. The defense showed up and did a good job overall. Unfortunately, the offense continued to be plagued by the same missteps as before. They have time before the bowl game to get their thing together.
Did you watch any of the conference championships? I was glued to the couch, flipping between them all. Stanford put a walloping on Arizona State (a team that always makes me think of Raising Arizona, one of the greatest films ever made). Auburn beat our old pals Missouri in a high-scoring game. And what about Michigan State! No matter your feels about the result, that was an exciting contest.
Yes, yes, I had set my hopes on a national championship without an SEC team. It’s not to be. Looks like Florida State will face off against Auburn. FSU can fall into a hole. So I’ll think of it not as rooting FOR Auburn, but AGAINST Free Shoes University. Rot, the lot of you. To see all the bowl match-ups, and laugh or cry as you see fit, visit ESPN.
Well, Constant Reader, this is it for the regular season. Check back for a bowl game preview, which I will write through my bitter tears. My Eugene friends better not forsake me, and should understand that loyalty is a gift. I love the Longhorns with all my heart, and I’ll be wearing orange and shouting “Hook ’em!” on December 30th. All alone in Eugene.
Just kidding, I’ll have some family here! And they have to cheer for Texas. Or sleep outside.
Until we meet again, friends, keep your horns up! Hook ’em!